When the Caregiver Feels Out of Control

I was not going to write a blog today. But it dawned on me that someone somewhere is blessed by reading my blogs. No, I am not going to make millions sharing my experiences or insights; well, I will not turn it down. I have been sad this week wondering why I am feeling out of sorts. It is about seventeen-hundred hours in Texas, and I am following my inner-most mind, so here goes my late-night post.

Care for the caregiver seems strange! Right? The role of a caregiver is to care for others. The well-being of those in necessity requires priority consideration. No electricity, no heat, I would say that is a priority and the verdict is in…family needed care. Thought was given to responsibilities that are aligned to caring; acknowledging the facts the role of a nurse and caregiver is to render aid and shelter when needed. As the house emptied and family started returning to their respective locales, I felt really sad. My daughters were at the house due to the power outages in Texas and their homes were impacted and the last to leave when they got word their power had been restored.

I was sitting in my bed and busted into an inconsolable cry. I was missing my mother something fierce and then I realized I was in caregiver mode to family members; it was overwhelming. Our house gained power so, our home became the host home. It has been cloned “Hickman Hotel.”

While watching the family find their space in the house among the world of sleeping bags, big blankets, oversized quilts, and pillows, I felt grateful we were all together, but thinking those around me were not the people I wanted to care for. I wanted my mommy. Do I sound selfish? What I am sharing is my honesty. When family would come together, mommy would be so happy and excited to see everyone. While happy to see everyone and looking forward to my sister Diana’s creamy grits and my son-n-law’s fabulous meals, the hole in my heart was weeping. When you’re actually in the place of hurt — a position that you didn’t want, don’t like and never will — you just cry. I cried and I am better today. Today, I am better. I remind myself that I am human and its ok to cry, to remember, to share and know that there will be another day when this feeling will come again. Losing my mommy while grateful for family, for me, offers an interesting set of emotions. I appreciate all virtual hugs!

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